I was made to play violin because Sohee thought my academic grade was not a stellar one, so in order to go to a good college, (she thought) I should play violin. Of all instruments out there, the reason why she picked up violin was, too many kids were playing piano at the time and there would be too many competition. She “decided” for me. The fact that I liked piano much better didn’t matter, the fact that I really did not want to get ANY musical lesson didn’t know any better. After all, (they thought/assumed) what they do is intended good for the children and children should be grateful – whether it is actually good for children or not. They say it is, and no other question should be asked. If I voice my opinion, they would say “How dare you talk back to your adult parent,” with stern and severe demeanor, which implied threat of physical punishment.
This was of course repressive. At the time, my first thought on such behavior was, that was a very narrow way of thinking. However, they did not keep themselves in that narrow minded thinking. If any situation arises which hindered their freedom and they could do something within their capacity, they disregard such standard without any scruple. Therefore, such narrow minded thinking actually is intended to control others and project their thoughts onto others so that they can make others in simplified manner for easier control. Rules from such narrow minded thinking also breeds corruption, because such standard is often disregarded in the situation where they can get away from being punished.
Besides, how dare they think that way when they don’t even know what they want in life.
This was not just this case but on others as well. For example, I did not want to transfer to another elementary school, but she wanted me to just because she was teaching in that elementary school. She want me to go there with me – another wrongful desire on her part that she wanted to be nurtured by her child and making the already egregiously violated natural boundary of personhood even worse, detrimentally affecting my self-hood to make myself more dependent on my so-called mother, Sohee.
This was recipe for disaster and gate of hell, opened for me. Combined with the fact that I already had damaged self-hood which is abused in almost every day and its own will violated in every opportunity Sohee got, I was a sort of nerd type quiet kid, a daughter of School Teacher who students feared. Teachers during that time were generally feared during that era universally because of the unlimited authority teachers had on students for physical punishment for almost any instances where their judgment (or mood) saw fit. I was easy target for bullying therefore, and when they got there reason to do so, they poured their resentment of authority – whether it is for their teachers or parents, whether it is conscious or unconscious – on me. I was bullied on almost everyday basis for anything and everything I did at school, just like at home. I was annoyed, harassed, and gaslighted at almost every opportunity. When I got angry, they accused me to teach of me of being a bad kid. I was only 10 years old. When I went to junior high school, a lot of kids who bullied me went to the same junior high school. So this continued until I was almost 16, until I changed to completely different high school.
Sohee only regretted to transfer me because my academic performance plummeted as a result. She does not even mention bullying. If I mentioned it, she would say, “you hit them, too, why don’t you?” If I mentioned to Sangmyung, the so-called father, he blamed me for my conduct and thinking (thinking that I was leaning toward constitutional republicanism challenging Confucian authority, which he did not mention explicitly, but that’s what he basically said). Keep in mind that he is one of the greatest recipient of beneficiary of South Korea being a Constitutional Republic, thanks to Americans and Western Power. My so-called father also degraded American culture, from time to time, even though he enjoyed American TV programs.
I hated playing violin because it is instrument that I did not want to play and I was forced to play it. Every time I got fingering wrong, I was hit on the head. Tears rolled down with the resin trail on the reddish-brown top of the violin. I was always the one who had to erase tear marks with my cloth because it reminded me of she hitting me. She didn’t care if there was tear mark or not. The fact that I was sexually abused by my so-called half-brother and jealous half-sister, with my so-called mother’s physical/mental abuse with school bullying negatively contributed to everything I did. But of course, my so-called mother didn’t see this as obstacle of me performing anything, saying that those should motivate me more and should make me tougher.
The violin teacher did not hit me, but always degraded me of not practicing as much as I should. His large head with glasses that is almost bold and tall figure for a Korean, he was imposing enough to make me fear him without physical punishment. But he did hit his kids and punished them by hitting them. The fact that I never asked to and I never wanted to play violin, but wanted to play piano, did not matter at all.
He was always rambling about how hard his life was and how thankful I should be, blah, blah, blah. He did not have such good relationship with his wife and children, and he degraded his wife and his kids as well. I thought, well, there is his blueprint of how he treat a child. And he was a Christian – along with his wife and kids, of course. My so-called mother took on pity on him that he is such a great man but he could not be famous because of his hard life during youth and his uncouth wife and troubling kids. He said he got tired of doing (that is, punishing his kids by hitting them) that because they were not “listening” to him despite of his best intentions and instead nowadays he just degrade his children. His kids looked fine, but seemed they were scared and broken down by their parents – just like me.
Basically he was willfully ignorant about the fact that he was projecting his life wishes onto his children and expecting them to live up to his unrealistic hope of libidinal ego. When slightest of that libidinal expectation was not met, the physical punishment was ensued, which his children resisted with passive resistance in order to keep the meager self-hood they could hold onto – because that is violation of physical self-hood, which is instinctive on not just in every human but in every organism on earth. They basically try to break down a child and rearrange them into something of their libidinal ego aspired to – whether it was actually good for children or not.
If the child commits suicide or got hurt in such process, too bad, the luck was not on their side or regarded child as weakling – or if they have any inkling of remorse, they would never talk about that child again. They rationalize and justify their behavior with Confucian high-minded saying that the under the heaven their will is imposed on children (which they regard as something holy/pious – which is really a hypocrisy to impose their will on their children for their convenience and nothing much else).
There logic is, since the will of heaven is interpreted by 천자 (天子) = “the son of heaven”, which equates to the official of a king in Confucianism. In this way Confucian king had similar role as in King-pre-Confucian society where the king also had role of being a priest in pre-Confucian, pre-Buddism era in Korea. King’s interpretation of heaven’s mandate is handed down to the Confucian high official scholars and that is handed down to the lesser officials, and to the male head of households. So the father’s mandate is heaven’s holy mandate and have absolute power. And since there is no King, the father can arbitrary set whatever is appropriate and such mandate should be absolutely obeyed.
A friend or an acquaintance of my mother, don’t remember her name – said that how dare I anger my father – meaning that how dare I even think of defying heavens mandate – heavens mandate my @$$.
Now my half siblings got even more reason to be envious of me, because they did not get any of such extracurricular activities done for them. They resented this. When my so-called parents were not at home, they took opportunity to abuse me. They made their point by using violin-related stuff to beat me. My so-called half sister beat me with the best violin bow I had, which was also my favorite (even though I hated practicing, I appreciate violin for its beauty and its sound). She broken it, and when my parents found out who, how, and why it was broke, they just mumbled a little and didn’t do anything. My so-called half brother beat me with violin stand which was made with steel. He beat me until he forced me to use honorifics reserved only for very elders, to him. He once threatened me to beat me and my half-sister with his belt, but he didn’t. Probably he thought me and my half-sister may gang up on on him, by whatever means possible.