Warning: Although some of the description here far less then violent movies and horror movies, it still is unpleasant description of abuse. I omitted gross details of sexual grooming so that it would be much more readerable, but I left other details as is. Not much physical violence here, but mental abuse and other such details are here. I put — line in the beginning and end of any paragraph that readers may find disgusting.
My father was a college professor and my mother was an elementary school teacher.
When I was about 3 years old, I got angry because my half-brother Dongsung, got pleasure out of annoying me dubiously. My paternal grandmother (HeonSoon) beat me because a little girl sibling was dared to angry with the eldest son (in other words, against Confucian social hierarchy – regardless who was right or wrong). From then on, I dare not to resist to his improper/unfair treatment toward me if I resisted or got angry with this stinking a-hole, my paternal grandmother would beat me.
Once, I noticed the books on Dongsung’s desk were not stacked straight but were all jagged and jumbled, I told him that the books were not in the way they should be, but he said that to him it doesn’t seem that way. I told him in broken Korean (being 4 year old, couldn’t speak properly) that the big books should be put on one side to not to slide of the smaller books, and put them back together like a good little child putting together puzzle or something to show her parents. He was smirking at me as if it was funny that I was doing that to show him how it could be done. At that moment, I realized that he had tricked by pretended that he didn’t know and used me to organize his desk. I could have organized my desk willingly for him if he asked gratefully, but I was wondering why was he doing such dubious ways. I was thinking, what kind of twisted thinking is that make him do that why can’t he think otherwise?
But I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to properly articulate and organize my thoughts and to say something like that because I was very young, so I just kept quiet. I also noticed that whatever books he owned, all of them were mangled and dirty, like all of his other belongings. I thought everything he uses/touches become dirty and not kept well (just like himself).
Another time, Dongsung brought their friends with them, and their friends took away my ballpoint pen by tricking me and said, “Wow, this kid is easy to deceive.” As if it is amusing – without any slightest compunction whatsoever. I asked him to give me the pen, and he gave it to me. Afterward, I thought I shouldn’t be around his friends, because they were doing the same thing as he did.
—Another time, on a moonlit night, he was in the bathroom and I was in the yard (back then it was a bathroom was a out-house) and he said he had something for me and told me to wash it, and it was a small orange plastic half-sphere shaped water bucket. There was something dabbed on it, so I washed it with water in the yard and realized it was his poop.—
Dongsung would often flip his eyelids over and flutter the eyelids to show inside of it, taking pleasure in me being disgusted about it. Also, when I was sitting on the floor and enjoying the sunshine, he would sit on the couch opposite me and waving his palm to have the sunlight flicker to annoy me. Even thought I got annoyed I just put up with it. He just smirked like it was a good thing and continued. I wanted to get angry at him. My grandmother and so-called parents didn’t take my side, they took the side of their firstborn son, so I thought I should stay put.
I was first raised in an in an old squalled homes that were badly built. We moved to a much bigger house. It had 4 rooms. My parents, instead of giving us rooms for each one of us, they put all three children into one room and got 3 story bunker bed. My father put a wall in the middle of the house and put another living quarter there to rent it to another family.
Around that time when I was about 4 or 5 years old, half-brother taught me to play a certain game, which involved undressing, and I didn’t know anything about it, and I just did as I was told. I didn’t know that this was grooming a child to sexual molestation at the time. But after I entered the elementary school, I vaguely started to aware that this was something not normal and wrong. I started to increasingly stay away from him and my animosity toward him grow more.
Some time after, he stopped this game. Then once, told me and my half-sister in somewhat authoritatively knowing and threatening manner not to tell that we played that game to parents or anyone because it was bad. After a long time without playing this game, when I was in the second grade of elementary school, half-brother raped me while I was sleeping at night. I screamed and my mom and dad came to my room and I told them that I had a nightmare because was afraid that they could punish me. I just knew as something dirty and I thought that if I told them, they would have to tell me that I was dirty too. At this time, all three children were sharing a room with 3 bed in a bunker. I was angry but who can I tell?
—He did other weird things. Such as he would sit on his desk, zippers open and cut his genital hair with school scissor. He would do that when I was in the room as if everything was normal. I thought, I don’t think I can ever use that scissor again. He was disgusting.—
In order to have more money, my parents renovated the house and rented another part of house to another family, and put all of their three children in a room in bunker bed. If we had three separate rooms, such thing would not have happened either. If my so-called paternal grandmother did not beat me like that I would have developed self-will against Dongsung’s attempted sexual grooming.
It wasn’t that kids were fed better or clothed better. I had to wear Dongsung’s hand-me-down underwear and classmates made fun of me for wearing boy’s underwear whenever there is gym class and we had to change cloth.
We moved to an apartment:
The apartment we moved to had 5 story building without elevator, but when I first saw it, they were really nice. It was half furnished when it was purchased. It had three bedrooms a kitchen and living room with two balconies. Outside of the apartment had playground for children, which had a very large sandbox, two seesaws, a jungle gym with slider. I thought it would be great place to live except the fact that my so-called half brother would also live with us. There were three rooms in that room. The biggest room was used by my so-called parents, the mid-sized room was used by me and my so-called half-sister, and the smallest room was used by my so-called half-brother. I was glad that at least I can sleep without that creep in the same room.
I was hopeful about this prospect. When I was in middle school I worked up the courage to say something about what happened regarding sexual molestation to the family. Dongsung accused me and said who was the one waiting him without cloth on in the position which he taught and groomed me to do. He described this in degrading manner that I was the dirty thing. I was old enough to know what molestation was but didn’t know that it was not my fault – a 4 year old child who was sexually groomed and that’s why I waited naked when it was time to ‘play’. Overwhelming shame spread over my body, I dashed to my room, crashed, and cried. My parents didn’t do or say anything about that matter afterward, either.
I was ostracized and beaten by Dongsung and half-sister YoonHee (now she changed her name to Yoon – single silable) because Sohee favored me, and when I told her, Sohee said, “You hit them too, why can’t you?” How could I, the youngest elementary school student, face two older siblings who were physically bigger than me? I would be beaten to death if I tried. No matter how many times I told her, she kept saying the same thing. Every time she said such thing, I felt more demoralized. So I did not tell Sohee anything what they have done to me.
My cousins once came to our apartment where I lived and showed their father (=uncle, Eui-In) our bunker bed, then said they wanted one too. When we moved to the apartment, father separated one section of the bunker bed, put into Dongsung’s room and kept the two bunker bed in one room for me and YoonHee (=Yoon), my half sister. I thought to myself, if they knew what was involved in those bunker beds. I’d rather get rid of it all together by giving bed to them and rather sleep with my parents. Then that kind of thing (sexual abuse) wouldn’t have happen.
Dongsung, my half-brother sexually groomed me at age 4-5. My parents were not available to supervise the kids. If I got angry or annoyed at my older siblings, my grandmother would punish me for disobeying elder siblings – according to Confucius ethics.
Once I told to Yoonhee, saying that Dongsung try to impregnate me by doing sex upon me (I did not have word for sexual abuse at the time). She got angry and shouted at me, saying in so many words that I am ignorant little rut, and because my age I wouldn’t even be able to get pregnant.
At the time, I of course got squashed and got quiet and sulked like I was supposed to after they yell at me. However, she said this for not being a quiet obedient younger sister according to the confucious hierarchy but who is questioning and challenging authority. She got angry and shouted at me and degraded me to shut me off. Because regarding the whole thing that happened she thought it was a family shame, and me bringing it up again who is not at the authority position is also guilty for bringing up the shame again.
I always locked the door at night, worried Dongsung get in. When no one was around, I checked his room to see if he had a key. Since all three doors used the same key I got rid of all but two and hid them to place I would only know. My mother complained about key being missed, but she did not yell or cursed at me for it. If I do something like that for other stuffs, she would, but for this, she didn’t – she just complained.
Once, feeling utterly depressed about the situation I am living in, I was crouched in the dark living room late at night, in the corner between the sofa and the balcony. Dongsung came out of his room and was about to enter mine. But he noticed it was locked and stood there hesitating. Just then, he heard someone coming out of the master bedroom. Dongsung quickly went over to the bowl stacked with tangerines next to the room and pretended that he was doing something else by picking and touching the fruit.
Sohee came out of the master bedroom and said in accusatory manner, “What are you doing?” Dongsung replied, “I was just touching tangerines.”
Sohee scolded, “What are you talking about? I heard you coming out of your room and suddenly stop before that!” Dongsung kept insisting he was just touching the tangerines. Sohee dismissed him. Dongsung went into his room, and I came out from the corner. Sohee saw me in the living room, but she didn’t say anything and just went to the kitchen.
She knew what was going on. They were aware such things were happening, yet they took no action whatsoever. Instead, they beat their children more and became more abusive toward them.
To avoid running into Dongsung at home, I acted like a complete weirdo in front of others who didn’t know about the situation. Sohee and Sangmyung, who disliked this behavior, started to hate me. I had to hide and avoid myself from Dongsung at home as if I’d committed some crime. Yet it was Dongsung who had done wrong.
And because my parents would scold or punish me if I avoided Dongsung too much, even when the situation made me sick, I sometimes couldn’t avoid it and had to sit on the table (especially during meals). Meal time was one of the hardest time to endure every day.
In an attempt to prevent sexual abuse at night, I thought about sewing my top and bottom garments together before going to bed. So I did. But realized how much school work I had and how much time I needed to do so. Plus that would not help when all three children were left alone at home without parents. So I stopped doing that after a while. I got so depressed. However, my needle work improved because of it and I got A on all sawing work in home economics. If anyone knew what was involved in this.
Regarding the school work, among three I was the only one who could keep up modicum of grade that Sohee would call presentable enough for a child of a school teacher and a professor. Even so, it was not good enough, because her friends and nephews and higher grades, which was one the reason why Sohee beat, degraded, verbally abuse me. I was expected to perform well, despite of all the abuse that was going on, which Sohee considered as no obstacle.
Sohee did not like how all her children behaved, so she increased the frequency of beating to children. I was beaten because: I got wrong answers to problems on homework, did not finish eating my lunch box she packed, did not wear the cloth she want me to wear, did not do things the way she ordered me to, talking back to her (or say anything that she did not like to hear), did not behave the way she want me to behave – namely getting along with Dongsung, etc.
Once she beat me because I insisted that my answer was right on one of the homework problem and hers was wrong. Because even though I was right I should not defy/protest to parent or elder.
Another time, she pushed me into the bathroom and try to stab my neck with heavy duty scissor because I was not getting along with Dongsung.
When Sangmyung, my father came home and see me crying and mother yelling at kids, he would frawn, but would not do anything about it. Even when he saw and knew Sohee was beating me, he would just read his newspaper. I suppose he got aggravated enough about what was going on at home so one evening he declared in angrily when there was usual Sohee cursing at me after beating, and me crying “if you (that is, his wife and 3 children) are not harmonious and getting along, I should just leave this house for some time. I heard some of my colleagues do that, so I should do the same.”
We kind of got quiet but I felt such a vacuum. How could a college professor, a full adult like him be so ignorant – willfully ignorant about what is going on? Have you thought about talking to us?
What was he thinking?
I tried to talk to him, but (Next time I will read this, I feel that this is getting too long to read for one session).
I tried to talk to him, but it came back with he reciting a bunch of Confucious rhetorics. I protested that things are not like that any longer. He sighed and got annoyed, tried the same thing with my half-sister and mother, but got similar responses from both. Sohee, my so-called mother and half-sister would protest such idea but they would try to impose such standard on me. My father would also have similar grievances to treatment he got during his military service. However, when I protested and yelled to my father for him trying to impose on nonsensical and inconsistent standard and ideal on me, Sohee sternly said that we are 동방예의지국 means we are country with upright and respectful rites-behavior standard for elders and such hierarchy. If I told her how hypocritical this is, she would have certain shut me off by beating me and by saying, “How dare you talk back (to your parent).”
Willfully ignorant
Mentally lazy
Morally coward