Please note – I had more than a decade of physical, mental, sexual abuse when I was growing up. Although I do not go to too much details of abuse, there are such details. For this one, there are less of such details than the previous one, “My Biography 3 – early childhood abuses when I was in Korea”.
Many people say abuse/neglect just happens. No, it never “just happens.” There are actors’ action/inaction in abuse/neglect. What made that happened (abuse), or not happened (necessary nurture, thus leading to neglect), how, why by whom in which kind of choices – all these matters. Outwardly, it may not seem that way, but well-trained psychoanalysts would say that in any psychological dysfunctions, there are historical patterns associated with such dysfunctions. It is important to study the person’s history to understand why that happened, but also need to understand family, community, and societal background to truly understand oneself and the world.
This section is overall summary of what has happened. I did not go into much details of abuse here because I want to do that later in relation with psychoanalysis (most likely in relation with Fairbairnian and/or Object Relation Psychology).
This is section is to give idea of how things went in later part of my life when I came to USA. This is also to give overall idea of timeline in my life. I will go back in timeline on what has happened specifically on certain episodes and/or patterns with bits and pieces of psychological analysis whenever I can. Sometimes some of events need to be connected with others to give better idea of what has happened in terms of psycho-analysis. This is also why I am writing overall summary first to give better understanding on psycho-analysis part. Rather than waiting at the end to write psychoanalysis after I have chronologically described episodes after episodes of abuses and neglects, this is easier for me. I also think this is easier for readers as well.
I will also give some historical background in relation to what has happened to me and other psychological concepts as necessary.
When I was junior High School 3rd grade, I had to take an exam to enter a special high school. Korean kids go through “examination hell” when they are usually in high school. However, for me, this got a bit earlier. Any kids and family who intend to send their kids to such special high school, they go through this – with more or less intensity.
I went through this then not long after, the family moved to USA.
Dongsung was left behind in Korea and my father would move back and forth from Korea to USA for a while because he had job as a professor, which was quiet well paying and he did not want to give that up. I was physically strong enough to not to get physically abused by my so-called mother any more when I passed mid-teen. But she was still extremely mentally and verbally abusive and constantly gaslighting me. Both of my parents deny that I have been sexually, physically, and mentally abused, made fun of me every time I try to say something about what actually happened and what is going on; and gaslighted me. This was coupled by all sorts dubious bullying, discrediting me in all sorts of ways to all of their acquaintances, friends, and relatives.
I decided to tell what is going on in my family to outside world. I told what was going on to guidance counselor. Instead, they do anything about my parents, because they thought I was dangerous. Because I was talking to a school counselor that I felt like I wanted to kill my parents. After only 2 assessment sessions, they forced hospitalized me against my will one day, without telling me anything about this, as if I was a criminal. Even criminals are told that they are going to be arrested and told what their rights are – I was treated less than a criminal. While I was in the hospital, they did not give me any counseling or medication but continued to tell me in threatening manner that if I act up again they will make me stay here or in jail. My parents blamed me for this and blamed for the hospital and phone bill they had to pay.
I found out later that not long ago that hospital had someone let out from their mental ward. They thought he was not a danger any more, but then he killed a person and hospital had to pay a heavy fine for that. They were basically projecting that anger and damage done by that killer onto me and treated me as if I was a criminal.
One day, my father, Sangmyung, called me and lectured to me on how I should respond at the Flushing Korean American Counseling Center if I am asked what happened in regard to the sexual abuse. He said I should say that Dongsung just tapped my leg once. He lectured me in didactical attitude in matter-of-factly manner that I was dumbfound and angry. But I did not show that to my so-called father at that moment. I held my anger and planned to speak to him again later, in more methodical and forceful manner. But when I did, he said the same thing again. When I forcefully insisted that it wasn’t like that, he suddenly threw a bowl at me, flew into a rage, and lunged at me as if he was going to kill me. I had to run out to the front door and stay outside for a while.
When I came to the United States, Sohee (the so-called mother) said about the fact that I had been sexually assaulted, ‘I don’t care if she(referring of me) was sexually assaulted or not.’ If you ask her if she said this now, she would probably say she doesn’t remember. Or she would say something like she said that because I was throwing a tantrum. In actuality, I was protesting about the abuse I got, and tried to assert myself on my position that she never try to acknowledge, apologize, and amend; and she need to do that.
After my family came to the U.S. and I turned 18, when I was in college, this is what happened when I tried to tell my parents about this. As soon as I brought up the topic, without even considering listening, these were the reaction I got.
After my so-called father died, Sohee bought Dongsung, who committed that sexual crime, an apartment. Sohee also lent Lee Yoon-hee money without interest, but she didn’t provide me with any financial help because I tried to speak up about the abuses. Sohee would always say I am so stubborn and caused trouble. Yes, I was stubborn in speaking up about the abuses refusing to ignore my family’s immorality and tried to expose it and therefore caused trouble for her. Dongsung and Yoonhee engaged in juvenile delinquency (drank/smoke, went to places to drink during junior high and high school), but I, who neither misbehave nor drink/smoke/drug (I don’t even drink coffee), became a very bad woman simply for speaking out about the sexual assault and their own assaults. It was retaliation for attempting to expose them.
Yet Sohee goes around saying to people around her that she’s a feminist.