I have two siblings, both of whom are half-siblings. Eldest one is a son, he lived and died where my family lived. Second eldest one is half-sister. The third is me, who is writing this now.
My father, Sangmyung was a chemistry professor at local University in South Korea, My mother, Sohee was an elementary school teacher. To the outside world, the family looked good enough. The inside was not – it was bad. Why and how of things have its own story. But one unit of family is not isolated. It is connected with other family, its society, and the world at large. They affect each other in every ways.
My father was in college when he was drafted for Vietnam War. He served in Marine and may have contracted Hapatites D during the service. South Korea was one of the country that responded to USA’s request to sent troops to Vietnam. At the time South Korea was in dictatorship (under Park JungHee, who was president at the time and ruled with iron fist, (through Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter era), he wanted to get economic and military boost in exchange to sending troops to Vietnam. Some things happened there to my father. Many things happened there. He recalls that he sometimes drank a lot just like others and acted out without conscious memories of what he has done or what has happened next – just like others. He contracted Hepatities D there and he suffered from it for life. He also never really drank any after he came back from military.
He married three times in his life, and the first marriage was not even documented. This was because the bride had a ‘defect’ – the family of bride hide the fact the new bride was a deaf – and it was annulled within a week. When my father was young, his mother said you will going to have to marry when you get old. He said, “No, I don’t want to get married.” His mother got very angry at him “Even those meager birds pair with one another! How dare you say no!” After that he couldn’t say anything about it. If he protested, he would have beaten severely by his mother, scolded by his father, older siblings, and neighbors for not obeying his mother. After all, everyone got married – as with any parents with strong Confucian cultural belief would think so . They were not thinking in 19th century way. They were thinking in medieval way of thinking. He knew such way of thinking was impractical was not for the best in this 20th century, but he got fed up with family and relatives pushing him so he got married just to get it over with – a big mistake on his part. That’s why he didn’t even know that the bride was a deaf when he got married. He met with the bride just once and he said he will get married. In a week, the bride got pregnant, and after the divorce, she came back to him with an infant who had Hepatitis D from the birth. Everyone in the family said that the child contracted Hepatitis D from his biological mother, which could be true, but it could be both ways. In Korea, up until some time between 1990-2000, when a couple got divorced all the rights of child guardianship went to father when a couple divorced – as with any male oriented society would. This also meant responsibility of raring of child went to father, which is why single fathers quickly got remarried. This was especially bad for father because he was poor at the time.
The second marriage lasted about a year or so and my father and his family made sure that this bride didn’t have any ‘defects’. The second bride was daughter of the house owner who he was renting to. The owners took pity on the fact that a single father was toddling a baby with milk bottle, so the owners suggested that my father marry to their daughter. My father’s family welcomed that as well. He said he married her because she seemed ok and seemed very good at domestic work, including caring for the baby (which he probably got fed up with at that point – he didn’t exactly say that but he certainly seemed that way). However, after a year, my father and his new wife had different ideas about starting a business and they got divorced over that. father expected his wife to follow his lead like many men in strong Confucian cultural background would, but his wife disagreed and insisted opening her own idea of business and put money there to open it.
Another reason for divorce was his wife was abusing his son. There was no such concept as “abuse” at the time in Korea but something called 구박하다. They were married for about a year, so for 2-3 years, she was physically abusing and neglecting the son.
They also had a daughter between them in addition to a son before. But he could not take care for two children and hold a job. So after the second divorce, his mother and his siblings took care of those two children until my so-called father found another bride to get married. This time, relatives and family were sort of hands-off from finding a bride, because all of their “recommendations” turned out to be bad choice.
He now really wanted to get married so that new wife can take care of these two children. He met my mother, Sohee in a college club meeting. He draw his own face and showed it to my mother. She laughed and said why, he is so funny (showing me his drawing of himself). He thought Sohee was somewhat innocent. They got friendlier and closer. She visited his family and he visited her family. But my father and their family did not tell to her that he already had two children. When they were about to get engaged, my father told to my mother that he already had two children from the previous marriage. She got surprized and told to her parents about this. They said, if you like him, go get married. This was in large part my mother’s parents, especially the maternal grandmother liked my father a lot. Because he had a lot of credentials – was an ex major in military, pharmacist and food inspector, certifications. He also owned and ran a chemical factory. My mother, Sohee, explained to me that her parents let her marry him because they were enlightened to new way of thinking and “liberal.” Not so. Sukhee, my maternal grandmother did not like husband of her first daughter Younghee, my mother’s older sister. Sukhee, my maternal grandmother would not even look at her future husband. She sat with body and face turned away from from him at the first meeting – because he was just a mere elementary school teacher without any other credentials.
Without even considering that Sohee is actually willing to raise two other children she did not intended, and the fact that her future husband and their family deceived her all along, Sohee’s parents simply ascended to this marriage, and Sohee explained that this was because they were “enlightened and liberal”
I did not know that my father married 3 times until Dongsung made shenanigan about this fact and told to my half-sister, then I asked my mother about it. This also was not talked about among relatives. It was something to be burried, because getting divorced and remarried (especially with children) carried such heavy stigma in Korean society, as if someone was convicted in the past – much more so to woman then man.
Any problem arise from it, people just keep it to themselves and the children should be just obedient and be quiet and be good kid, study hard etc.
Can these be talked about? Not really, a kid must speak like well-oiled diplomat who can walk fine line between demanding what is needed but also satisfying parent’s need. Who can do so and who can develop such skill when only obedience and suffering is emphasized in family and society in large? Besides, a kid should be a kid – not a diplomat between their parents and their problem. Parents should nurture their children, not the other way around – certainly kids don’t have such expertise, either. And they expected kids to do that without any proper compensation either. But basically this was what was expected to the kids by the parents and society who wanted to talk about such family problems. Because this was what was expected according to Confucius ethic when children talk to their parents. Otherwise they should just shut up and be obedient.